I got fucked over by the guy I liked who ghosted me for his best friend. I had been talking to him for a year and thought we could have something special... but nope. Since then,

I got fucked over by the guy I liked who ghosted me for his best friend. I had been talking to him for a year and thought we could have something special... But nope.

Since then, I have been on a sex rampage by hooking up with two guys and having a threesome. I don’t find any satisfaction out of these relationships since there is no emotional connection.

Now they are all not even giving me the time of day except for to have sex.

I want something meaningful, but I feel very expendable and like I might not deserve something more serious.

Xo,
Pounded into Passivity :/

Hello Fren,

I am sorry that you are feeling are hurt, devalued and pounded.

But in the paraphrased words of the mostly problematic, and basically irrelevant DJ Khaled, “Congratulations, you pounded yourself.”

I know it hurts that the feelings you have for this one dude are not reciprocated.

Rejection is a horrible nauseous, garbage, vertigo feeling.

Ghosting is highly unethical if you have an established sexual or romantic dynamic with another person. Even if it’s “not serious” or “not a relationship.” Even if the connection was short-lived. It’s selfish and it’s cowardly and it’s lazy to just bail.

You don’t go into detail about the nature of your relationship, and whether anything came to fruition before he started dating another girl. If nothing ever happened, if nothing was ever promised to you, this dude did nothing wrong.

If the two of you had been having a sexual relationship, it’s absolutely bad behavior on his part to ghost you. Bad fucking form. Demerit for him.

In either case, he ultimately did you a favor.

It might seem like he “chose” his best friend “over you.” It’s easy to fall into this way of thinking. Anger is cheap, and it feels good-- “He broke the rules!”

Dwelling on how “unfair” it is will save your pride in the short term, but doesn’t serve you in the long term.

Because really, nobody chooses anybody over anybody else. Everyone is just out here following their own heart and doing what feels right to them. Sometimes they’re fucking rude about it, but that’s life.

And you don’t want to be with someone rude. And you definitely don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

He doesn’t want to be with you, but that’s OK, and you’re OK. Say it over and over until it’s no longer scary:

“He doesn’t want to be with me, but I’m OK.”  

It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong; it doesn’t mean you are not lovable; it doesn’t mean you are broken; it doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive or interesting or smart; it doesn’t mean that this other girl is better than you in any way.

It just means that this guy is not a person with whom you’re going to establish the type of meaningful relationship you’re interested in establishing with someone.

There’s nothing else to be done. Stop fantasizing about the “special” relationship you “could have had” by observing the obvious, and trusting that the chemistry just isn’t right.

Moving forward, the very first order of business: you need to stop weaponizing your sexuality in order to test and verify that you don’t “deserve” something serious. You need to stop using other people as weapons with which to hurt yourself. You need to stop weaponizing your sexuality to get back at this one dude.

Being on a sex rampage is only empowering if you feel empowered by it. Slutting is awesome-- freedom, confidence, pleasure, discovering what you like and what you don’t, learning from your mistakes along the way. But it’s an empowered slut mindset, not disempowered, self-loathing behavior that puts the “positive” in “sex positive.”

To decide whether to slut or not to slut, you gotta stop and ask yourself:

What would Amber Rose do?

Queen Amber doesn’t slut to the detriment of her own health and well-being. She sluts because it makes her feel good to follow her own path of power to pleasure.

To slut ethically is to exercise one’s personal power without creating a vacuum of self- hatred for oneself or one’s partners.

Not every sexual experience needs to answer the need for “something meaningful.” But if you don’t lead your sexual and romantic life with self- confidence and self- love first and foremost, you are going to continue feeling bad, regardless of how your partners act.

Meaning is what you make of it, after all.

The trap of pretending to be chill, of pretending that you don’t want an emotional connection, of pretending you don’t actually care about the other person protects your pride in the short term because you don’t have to be vulnerable. But if you don’t voice what you actually want, you will not get it. And if you don’t voice what you actually want, you are wasting your time being outraged.

If you’ve recently learned that having sex without an emotional connection makes you feel bad, stop having sex before you’ve vetted your partner and established mutual trust and respect. Maybe that will change later down the line for you, maybe it won’t. Maybe super casual sex rampage-style sex just doesn’t work for you.

So slut, or don’t slut, but definitely don’t slut if it’s making you feel bad. Be kind to yourself, get clear on what it is that you want. Don’t settle for anything less, and don’t sabotage yourself if you don’t find it right away.

XOXO

 

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