The other day a guy friend mentioned something about sex being not worthwhile if the girl doesn't cum. I get his sentiment, but it made me sad bc that's just not true for

Hi LATP! The other day a guy friend mentioned something about sex being not worthwhile if the girl doesn't cum. I get his sentiment, but it made me sad bc that's just not true for me! It actually turns me off w anxiety.

I’m a 23-year-old woman. I enjoy having sex with my bf, but i can never cum from him, or any of my previous partners (I’m referring to a clitoral orgasm-- not sure what a g-spot orgasm is, or if it even exists. I've never had one.) It feels good, and he is doing the right thing most of the time, and I get turned on at first, but then I get caught up in the pressure of the moment (all pressure created by me, not by him).

I really want to cum with him! I love my boyfriend so much. He is a gem, so emotionally and intellectually smart, kind, considerate and sexy too. Really the whole package. My boyfriend would love to see me cum, but it doesn't otherwise bug him as far as I know. I still like having sex with him bc I love the intimacy of sex, and penetration feels really good for me.

I can usually cum via masturbation or sex toys when we're having sexy times (Sometimes I can't cum at all with him bc of all my self-created pressure though). I love masturbating by myself, alone. It feels like this really nice self care routine, and also it's just great. I have a good understanding of how to make myself cum, with hands or toys or otherwise.

This wasn't always the case. In the past, I've had a really limited understanding of my sexuality, and female sexuality in general. Also, I had no idea what “good sex” was supposed be like for a woman, having had a fair amount of mediocre sex early in my sex life.

I've done a lot of googling about this, and it seems to be a common problem. I am reaching out to you in the hopes that you have advice for me!

xoxo

Hello Fren,

Thank you for raising an important issue with regards to some important tissue: the clitoris.

Congratulations, first of all, on figuring out which types of sax made you feel only so-so and going forth and discovering how to make that pussu light up all clittery with orgasm-gasm during self~pleasure.

You’re doing great.

Also, congratulations for being so very stoked on ur mans. He sounds Nice! This is important! Many ppls bodies shut down if they are not held in the arms of a Nice Person. It sounds like you are advocating for yourself, and that you are on the right track with regards to your overall well-being and sexual pleasure, and that’s nothing to fuckin’ sneeze at, my fren. Gesundheit, and may you be blessed by the Gods and Goddesses and the mountains and the streams.

Well done.  

Let me reassure you that your problem is a very common problem to have. It is so common a problem, that we can go ahead and stop considering it to be a “problem.”

It is far more typical to be a ciswoman who doesn’t typically orgasm from penetrative stimulation than it is to be a ciswoman who does.

I talked to Dr. Suzanne Gilberg-Lenz, gynecologist to the stars! Gynecologist to me! Official LOOK by Look At This Pussy sexpert! Friend to pussies everywhere! She reports that between 75% and 80% of women require external clitoral stimulation and cannot orgasm from penetrative sex.    

The clitoris is complex, and it is aptly referred to as the Clitoral Complex. It’s not just “that cute button under the hood,” says Dr. Gilberg-Lenz. There are clitoral tissues underneath the labia and inside the vagina as well, and different sensations are associated with its different parts.

Many women who do orgasm during penetrative sex are doing so because the external part of their clitoris is being stimulated secondarily in the process.

For some people, the stimulation of the internal parts of the clitoris can result in an orgasm.Thusly, vaginal orgasms, AKA G-Spot orgasms do exist. They are most probably the result of stimulating the internal clitoral tissues that are cumming from inside the house. Most likely, an orgasm triggered by any part of the clitoris will cause the whole clitoral complex to get lit during orgasm. It might feel different depending on how and where it happens, but the whole organ is likely involved.

In other words: you can take the gasm-gasm out of the hood, but you can never take the hood out of the gasm-gasm.       

Alternately, or perhaps, relatedly, some people attribute G-Spot orgasms and especially female ejaculation during vaginal orgasm to the Skene's gland, which is thought to be a proto-prostate, of sorts.The thinking is, in utero, everybody starts out with a series of lumps marked, “TBD: Gonad,” somewhere in their nether regions.

If the body has received the instructions to transform the itty bitty shrimp dip of a fetus into a full-on penis person, it will turn that particular “TBD Gonad” lump into a prostate.

If the body has received the instructions to transform the fetus into a full-on pussy person, it will become the Skene’s gland, a lil’ ass gland that mostly does a few drippy, duct-y type jobs deep inside the pussy.

Additionally, the menstrual cycle can affect the way everything feels, so different types of stimulation will feel different throughout your ~lunations.    

As each person’s body is very different, each person’s clitoral complex and its attending gland(s) and hormonal responses will end up in a slightly different configuration after they are bornt

While your situation is very, very common, I will say: some people find their sex drive or sexual response is affected by hormonal birth control. I don’t know your situation and obviously cannot offer medical advice, but it may be worth getting off the pill and trying a barrier method or a copper IUD if you are using hormonal birth control and suspect that it could be affecting your sexual response.

Keep masturbating, keep exploring and experimenting with the different types of sensations you can find in your body. A lot of people find that some wavy AF vibrations (an hitachi magic wand- style toy, or a “G-spot” vibrator) work really well to stimulate the deep tissues in their pussies. If you’re using penetrative toys that don’t vibrate, or vibrators that don’t penetrate, you may not see the same effects. Even if you’ve never had a vaginal orgasm, you might be able to get there with some cyborg self-love technology.  

When it comes to sex with your partner, I have a few thoughts.

First thought: you are doing all the right things. Since a large majority of people with pussies cannot orgasm from just doing the penetrative sex, a lot of couples incorporate toys into their sex life. It sounds like you and your partner are both comfortable with this already, and that’s great. Keep doing this, and do it more often! If you use a toy every time you’re intimate with your partner, great! If you orgasm in the presence of your partner, it still counts. Allow yourself to enjoy the orgasm, and stop focusing so much on whether or not the process was “correct” (are you, by any chance, a Virgo?). Watching you masturbate will also teach him the best ways to touch you, which is really important.

I would also recommend that you try, and keep experimenting with penetrative sexual positions that provide stimulation to the clitoris while he’s inside you. Namely, get on top.

Rise! And! Grind!

Don’t do it like they do it in porn. Not bouncing so much as graining on that wooooood. In the words of Beyoncé, and your Pussé, “Finally! You put my love on top!”    

Oh, and he should definitely keep going down on you, and he should make it a very regular thing. If he's not that great at it, teach him what feels good by communicating what you like and don't like very clearly, and have fun.   

Finally, I would encourage you to give yourself a break, or a series of breaks. Take a load off. Beverage a wine. Beverage two wines. There is nothing wrong with you. Sex is a mind- body experience. And it can be a mindfuck.

As soon as pursuing pleasure stops being pleasurable, it’s quittin’ time.

There is self- care in pleasure, and there is self-care in knowing when to stop and take a breath.   

The best way to do this is to open a dialogue with your partner about the pressure you feel to cum during sex. Be honest and communicate. He will understand, it sounds like he already does.

Because your anxiety is often getting the better of you, my advice is to have sex with your partner as a means of generating the intimacy you both desire, but to set the goal-oriented thinking aside, either for a predetermined length of time (“Let’s have sex for one month without worrying about whether or not I orgasm”), or on an as- needed basis (“I’m getting a little stuck in my head with a story about the pressure to cum. I’m not going to cum tonight, but that’s OK because I’m still super into what we’re doing”).

Try to be present in the moment with him instead of preoccupied. There is no one correct way to have sex, there is no one correct way to orgasm.

Pls note: I am not using the word “achieve” in reference to your orgasm-- “achieving orgasm” is a bullshit idea and construction that implies the binary thinking of Success v. Failure and is probably the runoff of very terrible results-driven assembly line Capitalist thinking and we do not need to apply this type of logic to pleasure!!!

It doesn’t sounds like you are doing this, but it must be said: under absolutely no circumstances should you fake an orgasm with your partner. E-V-E-R. To fake is to shoot yourself right in the foot. Right in the pussyfoot. Faking an orgasm with a partner offers them a false cause and effect demonstration, and does not serve you.

If they are your long-term partner, they will get into the habit of doing the things that don’t do anything! And you’ll have to either keep faking it, or cum clean. Which will suck way more later down the line.

If they are your short-term partner, they will take that bullshit into the world and try it on other people. And that’s just not how you slay it forward, do you feel me?!??         

With regards to your guy friend: being the good feminists that we are, we appreciate when a hetmale puts a heaping spoonful of female pleasure right there on his sexual arousal plate. Being aroused by your partner’s arousal is Good and Right and in absolute opposition to the toxicity of rape culture. Sex is about pleasure, but it is also about identity. The feedback loop of desire and desirability is a big part of it-- being turned on that the other person likes and wants you and your body is a big part of sex. All hetmales, all people should be concerned with their partners’ consent and pleasure.

Good job, guy friend.

However, what he was communicating lacked nuance. Namely, that in trying to be the good, diligent male feminist, he has-- perhaps thoughtlessly-- swung backwards into fetishizing the performance of female sexual pleasure. He has mistaken the nuance of “mutual attraction and pleasure” for a fucking fireworks display on the 4th of July. It’s a little bit of a tricky line to walk.  

We want our male partners to be concerned with our pleasure, but our pleasure also shouldn’t be co-opted into becoming all about the male ego. Especially when the assumptions about female orgasms are pretty skewed.

Being the good feminists we are, we can get hung up on the notion that everything has to be exactly fairsies all the time, but this may not actually lead anywhere. Try some new things, but most importantly, take the pressure off. Give yourself a break. If orgasming with your partner causes you this much stress, you don’t need to do it every time. Your overall comfort and pleasure within what sounds like a respectful relationship may increase if you make the ratio of 1-1 orgasming less important. 

xoxoxo

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