I am in the midst of a breakup that has taken us 4 months of back and forth to get to the point where we actually have space apart with no contact. We've agreed to meet in some

Hi LATP,

First thank you for the work you do, as a queer I already loved pussy a lot - but it's so nice to have a fun visual reminder of how pussies are everywhere! Dicks are so passé - pussies are NOW. So thank you. I love you.

I am in the midst of a breakup that has taken us 4 months of back and forth to get to the point where we actually have space apart with no contact. We’ve agreed to meet in time to see how the separation felt and what we have come away with. But we just can't separate. We don't want to, we are still in love, we want a future but there were many things we needed to find and figure out on our own.

I struggle deeply with depression and have most of my life, I also have a pretty intense mood disorder (think bi-polar lite™) that has made consistency and calm in a relationship challenging.

I feel this relationship may be over because of my illness and that makes me feel very hopeless and sad. My partner feels like her feelings and emotions are lost to my own very big ones. That she does not get space for her feelings.. and I don't think she's wrong.

At the end of the day I feel like I may never be able to have a normal relationship and that I am a terrible person for making her feel this way. I'm scared I will walk away from this relationship with the negative message that I am bad, sick and responsible for the breakup... I also don't know if we will break up. I still have some hope buried inside.

What do I do with all this LATP?? Thank you for offering your advice and emotional labor. :)

Love,
Heartbroken Queer

Dear Fren,

Thank you so much for your kind words!

Ugh, the tumult!!! How rough.

In the big words of Bill Clitoris, “I feel your pain.”

The first thing I will say is that life is very long, and we are floating on a rock in space. While you and your ex- (?) girlfriend are each beautiful universes unto yourselves, sometimes it helps to take a deep breath and a break. Take a long drive by yourself. Be outside. Try to get out of your head and into your body, even if you can only do it for a few short moments at a time.

I hope you are getting help and treatment from a therapist for your depression and issues with your moods. If you aren’t, please commence the healing! Immediately! Depression sucks and makes everything harder and you don’t have to deal with it by yourself. (Everyone is different, but I would suggest that you check out cognitive behavioral therapy for your mood issues-- CBT offers constructive behavioral-based tools to help create healthier patterning. But, I am not a psychologist and do not know the specifics of what you are going through.)

Mental health in partnership is a tricky one. Romantic relationships can bring out some bizarre demons and anxieties (aka “triggers”), and sometimes we hurl the pain at our partners. Mental illness or not, it’s common to find oneself mysteriously out of control emotionally in a relationship. It happens, so try not to be too hard on yourself.

We are all learning.  

There are a lot of factors at play here. You don’t mention the specifics of your breakup and what triggered it. It sounds pretty mutual, but that potentially she is the one doing the distancing, or offering you some type of mental health ultimatum.

Maybe shouldering the burden of blame is a narrative that feels familiar to you. Maybe feeling victimized is a narrative that feels familiar to your partner. Maybe neither is true, but my red flags go up when I read that you fear being unable to have a normal relationship in future. I am not sure if the fear that you are the “terrible” one comes organically from you, or if it was born out of the 4-month, relationship-ending dialogue the two of you have been having.  

Relationships are mutual. Everything that happens in relationships is mutual, and is the result of the chemistry and the dynamic of the couple (or trouple, or whatever), with certain abusive tactics including violence being the exception.

Maybe your depression and mood swings have been challenging for you, and maybe you even mishandled some of those episodes, but that doesn’t make you a bad person, and that doesn’t make the dissolution of this relationship fall entirely on your shoulders.

The end of a relationship can be traumatic, and I’m sure both of you have said strong things. But if your former partner is weaponizing your depression against you, it’s time to end the conversation. Your issues with your mental health certainly do not excuse you from taking responsibility for your actions, but once you’ve acknowledged her feelings, apologized, and earnestly started the self- examination cycle, you are done apologizing. Any more laying into you on her part is out of bounds.

It’s possible that this is simply the wrong relationship for both of you.

Sometimes, love is not enough to make a relationship functional. Which is such fucking bullshit to have to live through and figure out. Your brain will keep you up all night with complex mathematical equations to solve that all equal “??????!?!?”

Ultimately, your partner should be a beacon of safety and calm for you, not a stressor. This doesn’t mean it’s anyone’s fault, but it’s possible that the relationship is too triggering, and that it’s bringing out the worst in both of you. And just because this relationship didn’t work doesn’t mean you won’t find a partner later down the line that meshes better with your energy.

It’s also possible that your issues with mental health are the sole reason this relationship can’t work. If she can’t rely on you to be her beacon of calm and stability, you do need to part ways. At least until you’ve taken lots of space and time to honestly assess your own health.

It may feel like your brain is being hijacked by depression, and feeling out of control can be so disheartening and painful. Depression often plagues young people and often gets better later in life. Or, maybe this is how you are wired and it will be something you continue to deal with.

Either way, there is good news: your feelings and your behavior are two different entities. While you may not be able to control or predict your feelings right now, you can learn to control how you communicate. You are worried about how mental illness will affect your future partner(s), or your current one, if you get back together. Instead of allowing that fear to harden into a self- sabotaging, self- hating, protective wall around your heart, turn that energy to something productive. It’s hard work, but I have a feeling you’re up for it. Here comes the homework!

Please read The Untethered Soul, which is a sort of stony and mindblowing examination of consciousness that might help you outthink some of the depressive thoughts, when they arise.

Then, you absolutely must read Nonviolent Communication, which breaks apart language and will help you to effectively communicate with your future partner(s), even if you’re in the depths of it. It made me feel like a superhero the first time I read it.

Pls take care of yourself pls. Everything going to be OK, promise.

Don’t forget to eat food with protein.

XOXO



 

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